Among the many, many freedoms America has to offer is the right to own your own home. This cannot be said for every country in the world. Nor can it be said that every American owns a home. Ownership comes at a price and that price is not just the price of the home.
So You Want to Buy a Home
By Micki Peluso
Finding the right
home can be a traumatic experience, an exercise in futility, or a comedy of
errors for all involved. This is due, in part, to the objectives of the
participants. The seller, sometimes through greed, but more often through
ignorance, believes his house is worth at least 30% over market value. The bank
is reluctant to finance anyone whose name is not Hughes or Trump. The realtor
hopes to take his cut, avoid as much aggravation as possible, and fly to the
Bahamas for a well-deserved vacation. The poor buyer simply wants a reasonable
roof over his head, preferably one that doesn't leak, on a quiet street where
his children will not be mugged or whisked away by white slavers. Not too much
to ask, one would think.
Before purchasing a home, the buyer must be aware of the actual meaning of real estate jargon. There are many terms that need clarification. For instance, a ‘hospitality suite’ is usually a studio apartment in the basement where you imprison the mother-in-law by closing off all exits except the one leading directly to her car. 'Love nest’ is an accurate description except that it doesn't always refer to human love. I don't think ‘carpenter’s special’ needs defining, and ‘needs some TLC’ is a synonym for major overhaul. ‘No reasonable offer refused’ is misleading advertising because the owner, realtor and buyer have different concepts of the term reasonable.
But that's not all...
'Next to everything’ is a terrifying
statement best left unexplained. ‘Family community’ implies that the entire
neighborhood is related and will either play matchmaker to your firstborn child
or ostracize you completely. ‘Plenty of room for Mom’ bears a subliminal
message, telling your subconscious to hit the old lady up for the down payment.
Definitely stay away from anything that is listed as ‘has possibilities’. Life
is much too short.
And just when you thought you had heard it all...
‘View of the
beach,’ is probably an honest statement. However, you must inquire about access
to the roof and expect basement flooding. ‘Must be seen to appreciate’ means
that no one has a long time and inspires unfounded hope. Right before we were
married, my husband said the same thing about his mother. ‘Just reduced’ is a
ploy stolen from department stores. The prices jacked up by 50%, and then
lowered by 10%. ‘One-of-a-kind’ suggests that this house was an unpopular model
and only one poor fool ever bought it.
Decisions, decisions, decisions...
Decisions, decisions, decisions...
Homeowners are
people too, and you must take time to consider their feelings. Many of them are
extremely honest, as well as proud of their homes. Sometimes they will offer
helpful hints, should you decide to buy; such as ‘the best way to control the
rats is to purchase two cats and don't feed them’. One woman, when asked if her
house was hot in the summer, reply cagily, ‘‘Well, we do get the ocean breeze." This
was true. Even a 110° breeze is technically a breeze. Homeowners rarely tell an
outright lie.
You must also be
aware of the various building styles. Today's home classification has stretched
dictionary definition beyond its limits. A ‘ranch’ is anything on one floor,
including the doghouse; consequently a ‘high ranch’ has steps somewhere if only
two or three. A ‘colonial’ can be anything from a log cabin to a new large box
with a fake pillar or two. A ‘charming Victorian’ is antiquated, almost always
dilapidated and about as charming as your great-great uncle with his teeth of
the class. A ‘cape’ is anything that doesn't fit the above
descriptions.
Finally you must
know your realtor. Realtors, rumors to the contrary, are human and come in
several types. There is the sweet young thing who lives to sell. She's usually
in her late 20's, with 2.5 children and recently divorced. With luminous brown
eyes and an apologetic puppy dog face, she nervously makes statements like. ‘I
just know my clients will come down in price.’ She is always wrong, but
eternally hopeful.
Sooner or later
you will come across the tough cookie. This woman has been selling since she was
weaned and could unload a patch of desert to an Arab. She's easy to recognize;
frosted or bleached blond hair, large faux gold circular earrings, a miniskirt
sprouting varicose veins legs or a cigarette dangling from her ruby red lips.
But she knows the business and if you're not careful she'll sell you that one-in-a-million duplex sitting beneath the garbage dump and convince you that the dump
will be a landmark one day.
Eventually, with
perseverance and extra strength Mylanta, you will find the home of your dreams.
I would tell you about my own recent purchase, but it's time to activate the
sump pump before the tide rolls in, turn on the house alarm system in case the
prisoners break out, and spray Lysol throughout the house to kill the smell of
the dump. If the next rumbling train doesn't wake the baby, the cat fight
outside my window probably will. You would think there were enough rats for both
of them. Then I have to run out and rotate my double parked car before the meter
maid comes stalking through the complex. I'll have to take the Doberman who just
failed guard dog school with me because there’s a suspicious looking bunch of
boisterous beings, vaguely resembling teenagers, hanging around the lamp post
making obscene noises. I have to admit home ownership is more than I ever
dreamed; except that sometimes I get the feeling that I'm not in Kansas
anymore.
Sharla, you just amaze me. I never expected you to actually be able to find pics for this but you outdid yourself again, in spite of your own obligations. That's my friend for making my writing look good!!
ReplyDeleteThis was definitely a challenge but one of your best writings in my opinion. . .factual but dabbed with just the right amount of humor! Write on!
DeleteFine. I am amused by some of the technical names one is expected to know before buying a house
ReplyDeletegood.
Hi, Markose. So glad you stopped by and left comments. You are absolutely right on target with about all the real estate technical jargon. It is enough to make one dizzy, especially since that is just one of the many decisions to be made!
DeleteInteresting piece! :)
ReplyDelete